Frequent blogger, Carrie Burton, writes on the recent diagnosis of her second child, Ava, with ADHD and Dyslexia. Carrie’s eldest child, Mia, has Autism and ADHD
Ava is my second daughter she is 6. Ava to me has always been our little burst of sunshine. She’s a crazy personality and is mischievous. A real “girly girl”, who already takes up the bathroom mirror with all her make-up and dresses. Every inch a fashionista. The one I didn’t have to worry about the way I do Mia. She has all the necessary social skills. Her teachers have always said she’s a social butterfly. She was the perfect baby. She always slept all night and stayed in her pram, happy to watch the world go by. When we were having the hard times facing up to Mia’s diagnosis, of Autism and ADHD, she was our laugh, our happiness. She is a fab sister to Mia! For 5 years she’s played everything Mia wants. She’s been there to comfort her and always help her. Mia adores her!
There was a time last year when Mia just stopped playing with her for a long time, heart-breaking to watch as a mother. Heart-breaking to try explain to a 5 year-old about autism and how complex it is. Mia is ‘normal’ to Ava. Autism is her daily life. I think that’s why Ava is so kind hearted to others. She accepts difference, no judgements made.
When Ava was turning 4, I started to question her in certain ways. She seemed to have no attention span at all. At first we joked – “isn’t it great she was is so laid back? All we knew were strict routines and certain ways of doing things, from Mia, whereas Ava was quite happy to go with the flow. It became a joke almost that when you walked into a room Ava would take ten minutes to realise you were there, but it was starting to really worry me.
She was in her own world far to0 much, I could feel it niggling at my brain “Ava has something now too”, I didn’t want to process it. It sounds awful but I didn’t want two kids with “extra needs”. How would we work that? Throw a toddler in to the mix and I was panicked. I decided to try work on her attention span and increase her one on one time with us. Mother’s guilt hit. Maybe I’ve fallen behind with her as Mia and Jack take up so much time? I watched her go into Junior Infants and it was then I knew in my heart – Ava is going to struggle. She found primary school hard. She cried for the whole of Junior Infants going in. She couldn’t manage the sounds or letters or couldn’t stay inside the lines when colouring. Her mood was horrendous at home. We thought maybe she was struggling with adjusting to school. Her teacher was concerned but as it was Junior Infants we would see how Senior Infants went.
At home her attention span worsened, she was moody and easily frustrated. I was convinced it was finally hitting her that having a sister with special needs was different and this was her way of expressing that. We tried to talk to her, get books, anything we could think of! She gets very emotional, very quickly. I knew there was something there.
Senior infants came and come October the teacher called me in. I knew what she was going to say. Ava was extremely shy (but had friends) and could not make out any letters or sounds and seemed to be struggling attention wise. The school gave her learning support, at this point, which has helped but we were called in again this month and the reading and writing just isn’t happening. Also she loves social events but has low confidence.
I decided to ring the HSE and have her assessed for attention deficit disorder. I knew since she was 4 she had ADD. I know my children. My instinct is never wrong. I knew with Mia, when she was 1, that she was different. [pullquote_right]A mother’s instinct is the most powerful feeling you have.[/pullquote_right]
The HSE said it could be years, maybe until she was 7, until she would be seen. Nothing new there then – waiting lists! I tried to work on Ava’s emotions on the whole, trying to do all the techniques and supports which work for Mia. Appointments, therapies – home stuff to work on.
Overwhelmed is an understatement! Finally this month we decided we’d saved enough to go private. This was not an easy decision. Its money we don’t have but there was no way Ava was going to miss out on resources like Mia did. The days before Ava’s appointment to be assessed were the worst. [pullquote_right]It brings all the old feelings back. What has she got? Have we done enough? Is it our fault? [/pullquote_right]Have we paid Mia too much attention. The guilt was unbelievable. We couldn’t eat or sleep. The thoughts of having another child with extra needs terrified me. I couldn’t control my thoughts. Fear is so real when you’re assessing your whole life.
As always we spoke about everything together. I don’t know how I could do any of it without Daniel. He’s my rock. During these times we are very much each other’s crutch. I won’t say any more about him because he’s a private person but he knows I adore him.
The appointment was Tuesday and I was quite calm. I knew in my heart what the psychologist would say. Ava was diagnosed with ADHD and Dyslexia. She would need resource in school and HSE services . We took her to lunch and Dad gave her some quality time. As I watched her I felt such love for her. She’s still Ava. We were relieved in some ways. It wasn’t us that was the issue. She wasn’t on the Autistic Spectrum. You might judge us for being relieved but that’s how we felt. Autism is complex and unless you live with it you can’t judge. While initially we were relieved we were also very sad. Sad that we now have to fight years for services for Ava and sad that she won’t get any until she is at least 9 or 10. That’s four years of us trying tto become experts on Dyslexia and ADHD. Mia has ADHD so we know about it, but learning the skills to live with two children who have it is difficult.
This article is quite raw. But I refuse to live in denial. I wrote it more for me to sum my month of emotions. We need to learn more patience give her more time to complete tasks. Explains why it takes her so long to get ready in the mornings or how she consistently forgets everything you ask her! Ava is still my sunshine and my heart. I have a 6year old who is the most loving, sweet caring daughter I could ask for.
After an emotional week she made my night last night. She asked me why I was setting up her teddies on her bed at bedtime. I said “because I know you like them all to sleep with you” (she fits 7 in with her!)! Ava said “Mam you’re the best Mum ever.”
It’s the little things we do for our kids that they appreciate the most. We’re so lucky to have them.
Image courtesy of foto76 / FreeDigitalPhoto.net
