Attending, and having, a Birthday party is an important part of growing up! For children with Autism, they are an important opportunity to be included, to meet other children outside of a school setting and to forge understanding. They can also be more difficult however – children with Autism, who find socialising difficult, may not receive as many invitations as others, they may find them stressful or aspects of the party may be hard to cope with.
Here is our guide for making birthday parties as enjoyable and stress-free as possible!
Having a Birthday Party
The idea of having lots of other children to a party may not instantly appeal to a child with Autism. For a child who finds socialising and relating to children their own age difficult, the idea of 20+ children making noise, in their face or talking about topics which bore them may not be their idea of celebrating an occasion, however they do have their benefits! They are not something which can be forced on a child, in fact they shouldn’t be, but they are something which should be encouraged.
In school, as well as in adult social life, an important part of receiving an invitation is giving one out also or reciprocating the invite. So, if a child with Autism does not have a celebration, in turn they may be less likely to be invited to one. However there is no doubt this can be stressful for all involved (including parents!) so it is important to consider come factors if you do decide to organise something.
Don’t be traditional
Typically we might think of a birthday party as going bowling or having a magician to the house, however it is equally appropriate to celebrate a birthday in whatever way the birthday boy or girl would enjoy! So, if visiting somewhere interesting or going to a favourite place like a beach or park is what the child in question would most enjoy – go for it!
That way the birthday party is happening in somewhere they enjoy and so if they are finding it stressful they can opt-out and do their own thing, while the other children can have their fun also! It also means you are associating socialising with somewhere positive rather than with an image of a noisy, smelly, scary leisureplex for example!
Consider the venue
Whatever activity it is you decide on, consider where best to hold the event. For example, many parties take place in houses however if your child will find it difficult to have large numbers of people in their “safe space” then you can always have the same activity elsewhere.
Even if they do enjoy arts and crafts, for example, but find the place these birthday parties usually take place to noisy or busy, you could book a local hall and get someone (or even you!) to provide the activity there instead!
Control the senses
If the birthday boy or girl does really want to have their party somewhere busy, then consider how best you can keep things as quiet, calm and agreeable for them as possible.
Maybe the local bowling alley is quieter in the morning?
If they want, maybe they can eat their food at a separate table?
Maybe the venue will agree to lower the lights or volume of the music for the duration of the party?
Provide an opt-out
It is important to encourage socialising, however it can be damaging to force a person who finds it difficult into a party situation.
If the party has kicked off, and the birthday boy or girl is stressed, make sure there is somewhere they can do to calm down or get away from the others for a little while, the guests will still have a great time together and your son or daughter will be able to have a less stressful and more enjoyable time.
Consider the length of time
Birthday parties can be long. They can be tough on all children as they get tired or fed up, not least for a person with Autism who may find the a long period just too much to cope with and may feel that is all “too much” after a certain time.
So consider, how long they are likely to be able to cope with and tailor the length of the party to that time. Build in collection by the other parents into the time you want it all over by and put the time clearly on the invite.
Size?
There can be a perception that a birthday party has to involve a ton of children! However, if the birthday boy or girl would prefer a small group, who they do get on with, or maybe even one or two friends that is ok too. It will still mean there is enough children to keep themselves entertained and allow for an opt-out if things get too much for your son or daughter.
It can also be advantageous though to invite a good few children, to grow understanding and acceptance among a class. However this is something you have to weigh up as both approaches have pros and cons and the big question is what will the birthday boy or girl enjoy the most?
Ensure awareness
Make sure their is an awareness among other parents as to the needs of your son or daughter. If their is a particular food they really cant bear the smell of, ensure another child doesn’t bring it along with them. If your child may behave a little different at the party to the other children, may need more space or may even need to have people collected early – it is important other parents are aware of this so they can explain it properly to their children, rather than allow gossip or teasing emerge, among the children invited to the party, afterwards.
Attending a Birthday Party
Consider the specifics
Where is the party? What is the activity? How many are going? How long will the event go on for? – These are all matters which need to be considered before your son or daughter accepts an invite. If the activity is something they really don’t like maybe the event won’t work for your son or daughter, for example. However if you do have concerns or your son or daughter does, but they still want to go, maybe they can but for a shorter period of time, or without doing a part of the activity?
These are all things to consider before accepting the invite. If it is something your son or daughter really doesn’t want to do – that is ok too! As you don’t want to associate all birthday parties with something negative. However, if possible, by preparing in advance you will be able to identify changes that might be needed, preparation that might be needed and give your son or daughter a chance to have their say!
Mark the invitation
Whether your son or daughter chooses to attend a party or they feel it would be too much – be sure to mark the invite. Maybe, if your son or daughter gets on with the student, you could organise a play date (and perhaps invite one or two others) at a later date, or maybe you could just send a small gift.
This recognises the invitation and ensures it is not seen as your child not wanting to mix with other children or snubbing invites.
Encourage but don’t force
When an invite arrives, by all means encourage your son or daughter to accept. Make it clear that they can even just attend for a short time and can leave if it is too much. However if they are really determined not to attend do not try and force them, this will only lead to increased anxiety and associate socialising with a punitive activity.
Stay if needed
This is case sensitive – some children may really not want their parent to stay as it can highlight them as different, however if it does give your son or daughter a comfort in knowing you are there if something goes wrong, or if they have had bad experiences at birthday parties in the past, it can reduce the possibility of things going badly and help achieve the most positive outcome possible.
Talk to the parent organisers
Ensure that the organising parent is aware of the needs of your son or daughter. Give them a little note on any area they may find difficult so that the parent will be aware and know to make special allowances if required. Additionally, make sure they have your mobile number should they need to consult with you.
Mentally prepare
Often social anxiety can be a barrier to socialising, for children with Autism. Your son or daughter may worry about what might go wrong or try to back out as they day approaches. Make sure they know when the event is happening, what will take place and what they can do if they are unhappy / stressed. Talk through any situations you think may bother them and ensure they are well prepared for when the day comes around!
Ensure allowances are made
Make sure the organising parent knows what allowances or adaptations your son or daughter may need during the party. For example if the need to eat separately, if loud music is difficult for them to cope with or if they find people touching off of them stressful.
Focus on the positives and debrief
After the party, consider anything which went wrong and steps which could prevent this happening again. Also, reinforce the positive things or the aspects of the party your son or daughter enjoyed! You can prepare for next time and remind your son or daughter of whatever it was that they found fun!
Build on the party
If things go well at a birthday party be sure to seize the opportunity! If your son or daughter made a friend or even if someone seemed particularly aware and kind towards their needs, why not invite them over for a play date? If they managed to cope well at the party, why not arrange a social event to build on? Identify the positives and build on them!
Image courtesy of FrameAngel / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
