Anxiety is a dark cloud
If i could describe anxiety to anyone that doesnt have a child that suffers with it i would say its like a dark cloud that rains on your child day in day out. it is constantly with them from the time they get up in the morning to the time it goes to bed. There are good days even great days that can turn into great weeks where the sun comes out and you think you have conquered it in some way but just as your enjoying the good days bam it comes back like a thunder storm. I often look at Mia my daughter who has Aspergers Syndrome (9) and i can feel her anxiety. It rules her life. That cloud is constantly there the last year. i see how sad she is how she is so stressed by ‘normal’ daily life that her anxiety has made her twist her hair constantly till it falls out or constantly peel the skin off her lips til they bleeed and get infected. i physically ache in my heart watching her and i ache for her and us as a family as we try with everything we have to pull her away from that cloud. I have an anxiety disorder myself so i cant stand her going thruough the pain of it.I try from the time i get up in the morning to the time i go to bed to ease her pain. extra cuddles in the morning to ease her out the door to school, holding her hand while im driving (thank god for automatic cars!) squeezing it to try let her know school will be fine i know you can cope. Putting a little note in her lunch box that says i love you your doing great!!. Picking her up at the gate with my own anxiety niggling at hers thinking please god let her have a good day. I bring her a favourite bar or biscuit of the week that shes decided is the new must have. Try to let her have her quiet space at home which with a toddler and 5 year old is a bit tough but i try. I bring my other two their treats give them all the same cuddles and ask about their day and my younger daughter Ava who is so laid back is delighted with life. I love how easy going she is and how at peace she is with herself. She is often my ray of sunshine in the cloud. I dont have to give her extra worry. Which may sound harsh, but Ava has grown up with Mia she thinks Mias behaviour is normal and its a relief she does. However saying that having a sister with special needs has affected Ava. Knowing that is another guilt i have. i always try give Ava one on one and extra cuddles to. its affected our whole family. When Mia is down we’re all down in a way. We all have to work together to get Mia back smiling and coping. We feel we have done all we physically can to help Mia. Play therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, one on one time, OT sessions, massages before bed, meditation the list goes on. None of it has helped MIa with her anxiety. She cannot sleep at night shes so worked up. which means we dont sleep. she could be up for 7 hours trying to sleep. stressing her self out so much she has regular nose bleeds at night and wetting herself. It is the most painful and heartbreaking thing to know you cannot fix your childs anxiety. Its so painful for us to know we cannot get that cloud to disappear. We have tried the last 9 years and no one will ever know how much weve tried but we do. Im so blessed Mia has a fab father who has been by our side day in day out. He has seen the pain she has to suffer, and we are at that stage were we will discuss medication for Mia. A word i never wanted to even write. I feel ive failed Mia in some way by taking that route but my heart knows its inevitable. Its not about me or daniel , its about Mia and why should she keep on suffering day in day out with something she cant control. Its also about our family, we have two other wonderful children who also have to cope with Mias behaviour and mood swings. I’m one mommy that has to split herself in three ways, but Mias split takes up a big share. Medication wont make Mias cloud disappear, but it will ease off the darkness and rain on her. Its a big decision that will take time for us to adjsut to. Mia is such a great kid when she isnt anxious shes a great big sister and im always proud of her, good days and bad days. i will never be ashamed of her or the way we choose to help her, we are her whole world and its a tough job but we all adore her and she has come such a long way. Mommy guilt is something ill always have. have i done everything possible for Mia?? Have i given Ava and Jack enough time love and energy. Mommy guilt spures me on to be the best mam possible.